Decisions about divorce, custody and support can be deeply painful and at times bitter, and at the end of a divorce battle in court both parties may be worse off then when they began.

But there are options to court battles, if you and your spouse are able to communicate, at least with the help of a mediator -- and if both of you are willing to cooperate and consider the other's feelings and problems. If you can do these things, mediation, or collaborative law may work for you.

Mediation

A mediator is a neutral, a facilitator of negotiation and agreement. The mediator's job is to help you and your spouse more clearly identify your issues and more productively communicate so you can reach agreements that are more acceptable to both of you. The mediator job is also to inform both of you about the law and what your rights are within that law.

On the division of property, for example, the law is detailed and (mostly) clear. But only you and your spouse know all of the intricacies and nuances of your relationship and history, in a way that no judge could ever reach. If the two of you agree that some other form of division is fair and just, the court will probably accept your stipulated agreement. And chances are, your agreement will be more fair than any decision the court could make in the course of a day or two of trial arguments.

If you are not able to agree on everything -- for example, if you can't agree on child visitation or level of spousal support -- you can go to court on only those issues. The Court will probably accept the other agreements you've reached in mediation, and your time in litigation will be greatly reduced.

When mediation works, it saves time, money, emotional distress, and -- most important of all -- it is less destructive than litigation of the relationships you still have with one another and with your children, your friends and your family members. Often, couples who mediate never see the inside of the family courthouse. The mediator can take care of all document preparation, service, and filing, and if you and your spouse negotiate an agreement on all issues, the court will probably render final judgment with no courtroom appearance needed.

Collaborative Divorce

In CollaborativeDivorce both you and your spouse have your own attorney helping you. But the attorneys and you make a special deal: Everyone agrees in advance that if the collaborative process falls apart, the lawyers will not take the case to trial. Think of what that means! Your attorneys will work hard to help you find a solution to your differences -- and when the going gets tough, instead of throwing up their hands and yelling, "Well see you in Court!" (the way they do on TV and, unfortunately, in real life), they settle down and continue to look for solutions.

The lawyer's role in Collaborative Divorce is different than in Mediation. The mediator is a neutral, but in Collaborative Divorce, your attorney actively represents your interests, while helping you find ways to collaborate with your spouse in finding mutually-acceptable solutions to your issues. Collaborative Divorce gives you all the benefits of good legal representation without the negativities of courtroom battles. If you really trust your spouse to be open and honest, mediation may be a less expensive option. But if you think you need someone fully on your side to keep your spouse focused and honest, the Collaborative model may be worth the additional cost.

Both Collaborative lawyers and mediators are trained and skilled in creating an open environment that encourages the peaceful resolution of issues. Both attempt to maintain a civil relationship throughout the negotiations process as well as after an agreement is reached. And, with your agreement, both may call on other specialists, such as CPAs, real estate appraisers, psychotherapists, or tax experts to help you with your negotiations and decisions.